So Skiing pronounced "SCHEE-ING"....

Did you ever see that Goofy Cartoon? I have. I watched it the other day and it brought back some not so distant memories..Let's get to it shall we?

When we purchased my lift ticket they also threw in "Ski School" since I was a newbie in that department. If i wasn't so humble about being a beginner, I would have been offended. But I wasn't. Until I saw all the other "students"...They were about my son's age. Poo. I kinda struggled getting all my gear on. I couldn't for the life of me snap my boot into the ski. I was applying all kinds of crazy weight on it, but it wouldn't budge. I felt like such a kid having Dr. Van grab a hold of my boot and plunk it down into the ski. I was getting worried that he was regretting bringing me along. It was his idea though. He wants to find a sport or hobby that we can do together and as a family. Sweet really.

I had no idea the amount of layers I was getting myself into. "Dress in Layers" Dr. Van said. "lots". "you don't want to be cold". No sir, I don't. And I wasn't, but I felt a little like the kid on "Christmas Story" who ironically was named "Randy", his mom bundled him up so thoroughly, the poor kid couldn't put his arms down. And then he fell. He couldn't get up. I knew at some point in this adventure, that was to be my fate. I just didn't think it would hurt so much..but more of that later.

I had a wedgie pretty much the whole time on the slopes and that's kinda hard to take care of when your all geared up. So I skied with a wedgie. Not really a choice there. It wasn't too bad, the combination of the numbness of my nose and snot running down to my chin, was a nice distraction from the "oh so Cozy undies" riding up. I may have chaffed. I didn't check.

Anyhow, Apparently class was waiting for me to be ready when I finally managed to mosey on over to the instructor. Have you ever tried to "mosey on over" anywhere in skis? It's not as easy as mosey-ing should be. My legs were strapped in tight. There are birds with really big feet, they walk funny. It looks like it takes a lot of effort to lift their feet, because I'm certain it does. What kind of bird is that?? Great now I have to google "big footed birds that walk funny"...hang on. I will not rest til this mystery is solved. Ok, I got "Big Bird" And "Big foot" I swear there is a creepy bird that walks funny because of it's big feet..I watch too much TV. Anyhow, if there is such a bird, then I totally looked like a distant cousin of that bird that has morphed thru evolution, if you believe in that kind of thing. It's like walking in flippers? You know the ones you swim with, but hate to walk around in because it's just hard.

Dr.Van warned that I may be sore from skiing. Silly Dr. Van. I am in great shape.(Well, I'm in some sort of shape) I have been running consistently for 3 months now . I'm sure I will be fine...Within 3 minuets of being strapped into my boots and skis, I wanted to have my legs removed permanently. My shins hurt. I bruise easily. But I'm not a wimp. Yes I had 4 epidurals, don't judge. I'm not a whimp. I'm ...smart. Anyhow, my poor shinners. This was going to take some getting used to.

I was relieved to see that there was another adult in class with me. A gal that had only spent a day on the slopes and was about 47 or so. "I'm going to be so much better then her" I thought...not really I'm just trying to sound competitive and sporty. I really only wanted and expected to remain un broken during my time on the slopes. I really don't have room in my life for an injury right now. My instructor was a punk teenager. Ok, she was nice, and sporty and cool. Something I desperately wanted to be. (The sporty part that is, I'm already nice and I work on the cool part everyday if I have time)She had the right skis, the right pants, a cool beanie, and she didn't wear a ski mask like me. I don't like being cold.But she was a regular, she didn't mind the wind against her face, I only like the wind beneath my wings..or blowing thru my hair at the right moment when the sun hits my face making me look like a wannabe super model...sigh....Anyhow, I slowly meandered over to the "Ski School" area. A 8 yr. old girl flew down the hill on a snow board. "showoff." I was certain she knew it was my first time and she wanted to rub her talent in my face. I followed "sporty spice" over to the "conveyor belt" have you seen one of these things?? You Probably have. I would have killed to have one of those as a kid!! The amount of uses are endless!!

-have one going up the slide so you don't have to do the whole going against gravity thing all the way up.

-play "factory Girl" and have an assembly line with your toy dolls

-even better play "I LOve Lucy" with your best friend and make chocolates on the conveyor belt.

-Play "grocery store"!! Who didn't want a conveyor belt to make checking groceries funner!

-the ultimate treadmill. All your friends could exercise at once.

I could keep going but then I would never finish this post. Email me later if you want more ideas for your very own backyard conveyor belt. I really feel you would be the envy of all your neighbors.

Now where was I? You see how I am? This is where my #2 gets her "easily distracted" genes from...SQUIRREL!!

Up. Nothing? never mind.

So our instructor encourages us to hop on the belt. Well, step onto actually, I am still a beginner. I was nervous. I could foresee myself sliding backwards down the belt taking out women and children all along the way, with absolutely no control on my part.I mean, what was to keep me from sliding backwards?? I suggested she and the other student go first, I appeared polite now instead of scared. The instructor made me go before her. Ok, sporty, don't say I didn't warn ya. This was pretty easy. I kept my legs bent and leaned slightly forward. piece of cake. Then I thought about the part where I have to actually exit the dang thing. I started to slip a little backward. "Your thinking too much don't panic, everybody has to exit sometime, many have gone before you, and many will continue to go...and more then likely they are all much, much younger then you so, if they can do it so can you." I was secretly glad that the other student was first. I could either follow her safely off..or trip over her causing a big scene, and quite the pile up. I was praying for the safely off way.

I gracefully exited the belt. I had to hide my excitement, no one could ever find out that I wasn't normally graceful. I pretended I was the instructor for a second. It felt amazing. But then I had to snap out of it and carefully make my way over to "ski instructor Barbie" So after a bit of playing follow the leader, we were to ski down the hill and turn with a wedge I think she called it. Well i did a wedge alright right into the back of the other student. But I'm going to blame it on my teacher. She instilled some confidence in me by asking if I was sure this was my "first time", that I was a natural. I assured her it was and that this was raw talent she was witnessing...Right before I plowed into the back of my co-student. We looked like we were spooning on skis. I think it was then the instructor changed her mind about me. So after what seemed to be forever, but yet not long enough, she said we were ready to take the ski lift. Who made her the judge of that decision? I'd like to know? If I was panicked about exiting the conveyor belt how the heck was I to handle the ski lift? I had only ever seen a ski lift in a cartoon and to be honest I was a bit uncomfortable with the notion of dangling high in the air on a bench seat and then being made to exit like it or not or else. I actually thought that the lift would drop you off then flip up and turn over to return to the beginning again. I didn't realize that eventually it would just swing around to the other side. Once again, too much TV. This gave me great comfort. If by some chance I couldn't get my act together, I could swing around and try again. But my instructor wasn't about to let me continue on to have another go around..I got more nervous when she said we need to exit quickly and to the left. I have no idea if I can do either one of those things! I was just praying that the person exiting in front of me, got out of the way in a timely manner. I make no guarantees of stopping. Ever. WEll I did it. And I did it well. She took us to the "beginners slope" At least thats' what she said.

Shouldn't there be a designated spot for the new kids on the block? Oh, that was the ski school you say? I'd like to enroll again please. This was no "beginners slope" and I know beginners!! It was a huge mountain, with lots and lots of moving targets (aka people skiing and snowboarding)and icy patches. I really needed the comfort of my ski poles that DR.Van said I didn't really need. I also would have been happy with a big plastic bubble around me. My legs were tired from doing that "gorilla" stance and then all the wedges I had to do to slow down. My instructor skied backwards to watch us. I was jealous. Mostly because she wasn't concerned at all with where she was going, and I was consumed with it. I just really wanted to make it down the hill..no expectations, just make it down. Whether it was crawling, skiing, or rolling, I just really wanted to be at the bottom. Drinking hot cocoa. Soaking in a hot tub. Doing some online shopping, whatever, it didn't matter.

Once again I wanted to be last. I wanted someone to follow. Why I thought that following another beginner was a good idea is beyond me. I guess I just wanted to have her act out the instructions yelled from our instructor, and then i would follow if she did it right. I am more of a "see and do" kinda person I have no shame in that. So she wanted us to do an "S" down the hill. But from the looks of me I was excelling at the lower case "L" Turning was ok I guess, it was the slowing down part I wasn't good at. And sometimes my "wedge" just didn't cut it. I barely made it down the hill without hurting anyone. I met up With Dr.Van at the bottom. I acted cool. "Did you see me?" I asked confidently. I secretly wanted to throw up. "No" he says. I sigh with relief. quietly of course. He continued. "I tried looking for you but couldn't find you, then I saw this girl flying down the hill, she was going fast and I was like 'whoa, she's really cooking' and then I realized it was you." Darn. he had seen. I was going fast. Too fast. I couldn't stop. If I recall I almost took out a little kid, and barely missed running into the fence. What a stupid place to put a fence by the way. I think I slid into safety. I wonder how many people saw me. I was ready for the lodge at this point. Please take me to the hot tub and cocoa and crackling fire. Or else. I ditch my leg hugging enemies against the staircase and walk awkwardly (because that's the only way you can walk in ski boots)up the stairs to the main lodge area. I round the corner. I am immediately disappointed. Where was the fireplace? The "Barnes and Noble" couches strategically placed in a feung shuay manner?(however you spell it) The cozy lighting, the quiet restaurant with the glow of candles? There must be another lodge. Because this looks nothing like what I've seen in the movies. Once again. Too much TV. I should have known it was going to be a little less then what I thought when my brother was loading up his backpack with chef boyardee and top o ramen back at home. I quietly thought to myself, "umm, does he think there are microwaves on the slopes? Hello?? Silly goose" Well who was the goose now? The was a slight cafeteria and what the?? A microwave??!! I sat on the picnic bench waiting for my food, trying to blend and hide my disappointment. (I'm of course being more dramatic for creative purposes)It was actually fine and my salad and Dr.Van's grilled cheese hit the spot! I still wanted hot chocolate though.

A few more times down the hill and I was ready for the winter Olympics. I was a bit sore the next day and yet, I skied again! This time at night at "Wolf Ridge?" Can't remember exactly, it was some wolf/mountainy name...It was great fun I even enjoyed the ski lift. Kinda romantic at night. Just don't look down. I fell a few more times that night and I really hurt my thumb..."And it still hurts" (Charlie bit my finger) My skis found there way off my feet a few times. I laid in the snow for awhile on my back. I didn't even care if I got ran over. The low point was when I really biffed and a young 9 yr. old boy came over with my ski poles I had lost a ways back. He just smiled and looked at me like I was pathetic. And I was. But I did have a good time. And Dr.Van was a much better teacher then the cheerleader. "pizza and Fries" wedge your skis to make a pizza slice then straighten out to make to "Fries" when you cut across the slope. SO MUCH EASIER!! I'm so much better with food!! Does my man know me or what?? I look forward to another snowy adventure afterall I'm all set up now. My #1 son loved it and he did really well I must say. Thank you Dr.Van for introducing me to this whole new world of snow sports, Thank you for your patience and for putting my skis on me so many times, I promise next time I'll be a big girl and do it all by myself, for checking for snot that I couldn't feel, and I especially thankyou for stopping by Mc Donalds on the way home to get me a cheeseburger and fries and hot chocolate because I was starving even though we already ate at the "Oh so fancy" ski lodge. Best Day Ever! oxoxox